RIP: Us March 20, 2004 -- October 5, 2009

"I hate you." That's how 5 ½ years ended. A horrible, unjust end to a painful but unforgettable relationship that was, at times, filled with love.

This blog isn’t about Boyle Heights. It’s about me. And about him. And about a relationship that ended. I just couldn’t let 5 ½ years go without…..writing something, saying something…..I don’t know what. I just needed to do something. As a step towards healing.

I was devoted to him. Our love and desperate need for each other took us from Pasadena to New York to Miami to Jamaica to San Diego to Rosarito and finally….to Boyle Heights. So I guess in a way this is about Boyle Heights. After 5 ½ years, I found myself home again. It’s fitting. Now I can start anew.

I was devoted to him. Loved him like no other man in my life or woman in his life. He was to be my life partner. And as I think about that dream of my future with him, now shattered, I am saddened and my heart breaks again.

I was devoted to him. It wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough. I gave everything, was left with nothing, became a shell of myself. My life was not my life but his life. But it wasn’t enough. And now I must accept that it’s over.

I was devoted to him. And for my devotion I received pain and lies and betrayal and broken promises. There were good times and laughter and joy and light and yes, even love. There was hope. The hope of a life together. The possibility that will never be is what hurts. More so than the what he did to me.

I was devoted to him. And now I must devote myself to me.

This is it. We were and now we’re not. “I love you” became “I hate you.” Whereas before I needed to hear “I love you” or die, I now realize I needed to hear “I hate you” to live.